I keep playing this particular scene from Hamilton over and over in my head. It’s in “Stay Alive (Reprise)”.
[Philip] I did exactly as you said, Pa
I held my head up high
I know, I know. Shh
I know, I know, shh
I know you did everything just right.
The brutal reality of infertility is that you can do exactly as you are told, do everything just right – and still not succeed. There is no magic wand that you can wave, and no amount of positive energy or hope can bring you the outcome that you desire.
As the title indicates, this IVF cycle was a failure.
I went in this morning for my hcG beta, and they called me back around 1PM. The nurse said, “I am so sorry Jennifer, but I don’t have good news for you. Unfortunately, your hcg came back at zero, which means that a pregnancy did not occur. Dr. Cass would like for you stop taking all medications, and you will have a menstrual period. We would like to see you soon to go over the next steps and have a consult with Dr. Cass.” That appointment is scheduled for June 28th.
Of course, I am very, very disappointed. My heart and my soul just feel so sad. Dean shared that he feels more angry at the world – about how unfair this whole process has been. We are good people, and we do everything right and this still happens.
I think what makes this easier for me, is that this was not a pregnancy loss. I did not have a chemical pregnancy. I did not miscarry. I did not have an ectopic. Simply, no pregnancy occurred. We were in the ~60-80% of people who do not have a successful Day 3 Embryo transfer.
I did everything I could to not allow hope to creep in, but it did. I hoped we would be in the minority, but as this process goes – this is not our reality. I had this tiny little sliver of hope that would get its hooks into me, even though I actively tried to remain realistic. It’s hard not to love the possible life that is inside you. It’s hard not to smile and be overwhelmed with love and hope when your husband sternly talks to the embryo and tells it to ‘grow in the right spot’.
So, here we are back to…well, I wont say square one, because that is going through all the stimulation protocol. I guess we’re back to step 2 or 3…either way, not where we hoped where we would be, but that’s where we are. We have our three remaining Blastocysts on ice, so we will see what the next cycle of this roller coaster brings.
The good news? We have each other. And because that is true, I will continue to fight. But for today? I am going to lick my wounds, probably get a little quiet (sorry friends) in my responses, and eat some sushi.