Today was my Day 21 baseline appointment. This is generally a pretty routine appointment, you get an ultrasound, they count your AFC (Antral Follicle Count), and then you get your protocol that you will begin as soon as your period starts.

…..Except, for when they discover a functional cyst. Some of you may remember this post, where I thought I had received my period but I had not. What I had was a functional cyst, as a direct result of stress in my body (stress, illness, professional, etc). This cyst is a direct cause of me not releasing an egg as I should. The RE believes that this is again because of my stress level. I am working very diligently to try and keep my stress level at a minimum for the next month, but there’s very important things that I need to be present for. I’ve always had anticipatory anxiety, and that is no different in this situation. Even when it is something exciting or positive, my body has an internal reaction to the stimuli. The only way I have found to combat it is to be entirely reclusive, which is essentially what I will be doing during my next treatment cycle. Think of me as the Punxsutawney Phil of stress related activities. I’ll peek my head out of my burrow and if I see a stressful situation, I am just going to hibernate for another 6 weeks of emotional winter.

What this means going forward, is that I will still call them on day 1 of my cycle, and make an appointment to be seen on day 3 of my cycle. Another ultrasound on my period, MY FAVORITE! If the cyst has resolved itself, we will begin our treatment as planned. If not,  this cycle would be cancelled. I will more than likely be put on birth control for 3 weeks to manage the cyst, and then hopefully we would begin treatment the next cycle. By my count, this would be taking place roughly around the beginning of December.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I definitely feel better in treatment than out but any issue that causes delays just really hurts my heart. This entire process involves so much waiting and ‘what if’ involved. We have been trying to conceive in some form for 3 1/2 years. We’ve had an infertility diagnosis for 2 years, and I’ve been in IVF/FET treatment for the past six months. To be told that you have to wait more, really feels like life is punching you in the face while spitting on you. We’ve already faced hardship, and now we get to endure more? You start to stomp your feet and complain how unfair things are. And it isn’t. It isn’t fair, but it is what it is. I’ll do whatever is necessary, but that does not mean that I cannot admit that it sucks.

I’m going to share another song, because music is what helps get me through my days. This is one of my absolute favorite songs of all time. When we saw Cursive last year, I cried when they played it. It perfectly indulges my current sadness, while also providing me with a feeling of incredible hope.

“Alive, I’m staying alive
Kicking and screaming, blood boiling and steaming
Staying alive.

The worst is over.”